Ganked this from Hyel (no, you don’t get to see her answers), who got it from Sex Geek (who, by the way, has a seriously awesome and throught-provoking article on risk, sex, and talking, which you can read if you click on the link).

This is basically a sexuality questionnaire and, for reasons I don’t entirely understand (although probably having to do with the fact that this blog is new and has approximately two readers, one of whom is the above-mentioned Hyel) I’ve decided to post it here.

Have fun getting to know waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more about me (all at once, no less) than you planned to.

Questions and Answers:

What’s the item of clothing in your wardrobe that makes you feel sexiest?

Sarongs. Perfume (okay, not an article of clothing, but still). Stockings. My corset-like object. Certain pieces of lingerie. Cocoabutter (see above). Things that, in general, feel good on my skin.

What’s the most sensual activity you take part in that does not involve human contact or sexual pleasure?

Getting ready, in plenty of time, for dinner out somewhere *really* gourmet. Long, hot bath with scented oils, shaving legs and underarms, moisturizing everything slowly and thoroughly, pedicure (or at least quasi-pedicure), slipping into my dress, doing my makeup, adding perfume, jewelry, brushing and doing my hair, last check of lipstick, handbag, heels, sashay out the door, trip to the restaurant (usually on a bus, which isn’t sensual at all, unless you count the occasional admiring glance, but it’s still necessary), dallying over the menu, ordering whatever I want (trying to ignore how much it’s going to cost me), lingering over the meal itself, enjoying the appetizer or the soup, letting the flavours roll around in my mouth so that I can catch every one, sipping a flavourful drink (maybe a fruity cocktail or a glass of riesling), taking my time to really savour every mouthful of my meal, going slowly, paying attention to the food, finishing with a thoroughly decadent dessert (often, though not always, crème brulee) and coffee or tea with lots of cream and sugar (cappuccino would be *lovely* here). Maybe taking in a show afterwards, or dancing, (or both), drawing the evening out a little ways. Touching my own body, running my hands along my thighs, my arms, my shoulders, the back of my neck, and enjoying the fact that I have this body, that I can enjoy this much pleasure all on my own, that I am as lovely and touchable and sensual as I am. Going home. Then calling my sweetheart and telling her all about it.

Admittedly, I don’t know if that last part counts as “human contact” or not.

What three people have had the greatest influence over your sexuality? (Whether you’ve ever had sex with them, or even met them, is not the point.)

Kathryn Payne, for writing “Whores and Bitches Who Sleep With Women”.
That random, anonymous dude on an internet bulletin board, whose description of what he and his wife do in the bedroom made it very, very clear to me that I was definitely kinky. Because I *never* would have come up with *that* as a hot fantasy on my own.
The people I date. (I know, I know, there’s been more than one. But when I’m not in a sexual relationship with someone(s), I have this tendency to just ignore my sexuality until it becomes useful again. Not a healthy or self-focused way to live, I realize, but because of it –though maybe not *just* because of it – my sexuality (or sexual behavior?) has, for better and for worse, been heavily influenced by the people I date. So I’m counting them, collectively, as one).

What sexual activity could you happily swear off for the rest of your life?

Uh… See above? In theory, I could probably swear off most sexual activity for the rest of my life and not care *that* much. The only trick is… Because sex is an emotion thing for me and a trust thing for me, the more I trust and care about someone, the more I want to be sexual with them. If I have an amazing intellectual/spiritual discussion with someone, I often find myself wanting to get under their clothes, too.
Right now, I think the things I could *really* happily swear off of for the rest of my life are all things I haven’t tried yet and don’t overly want to, or things that I did without actually wanting to do them. Y’know?
I mean, yeah, I could swear off sexual assault, no problem. I’ve done it – or had it done to me, I guess – and, really, I think I could go the entire rest of my life without experiencing that again. In any form what-so-ever.
But as for anything voluntary? I don’t know. I’m in an open relationship. I don’t *have* to swear of any and all sex just because my primary relationship is non-sexual (or not physically so, at any rate). As such, I’d kind of like to keep my options open, y’know?
That said: Vacuum bags? Creep me the hell out. I think I could skip trying those. :-\

When does your libido tend to peak?

Uh… mentstruation and (sometimes) ovulation. But, rather more to the point, when someone I care about and find attractive lets me know that those feelings are mutual.
Seriously.
Longing and yearning and hunger and loneliness and want aren’t the same as Being Turned On. Sometimes I get turned on anyway (e.g.: if I’m writing porn, I bloody well hope I’m getting turned on, otherwise what’s the point?) but, weirdly, it’s often a case of “is the other person up for this?” that actually lets me let go of the reins on my libido, so to speak, and actually let things get going.

What are you ashamed of?

Just about everything.
Desiring people who don’t desire me. Having a high libido that others find threatening or intimidating. Having a low libido that others find unsatisfying or inconvenient. Not wanting people who want me. Thinking I have the right to not want people who want me. Getting angry about so much stuff when I “should” Just Get Over It. Being sexual. Being awkward about sexuality. Being a libidinous, body-hungry, sensual, slut who loves to be touched (NOTE: only by peoples she loves and trusts, thankyouverymuch). Not being able to be a REAL slut ™ because I have such a damn emotional connection to sexuality that I actually *am* that stereotype of the woman who wants <3 <3 <3 Looooooooooooove <3 <3 <3 instead of just fucking. Wanting to be loved and cherished. Being so hung up on what other people think of me. Being sadistic. Being submissive and not actually being sure if I *am* submissive or if I’m just a totally insecure push-over who does whatever other people want because she’s afraid of being damaged or abandoned if she doesn’t. Being ashamed of being submissive if that’s something I actually *am*. Being bisexual or maybe being *not* bisexual, and not really knowing for sure either way and feeling like a total stereotype for being a poly bi-grrrl or being a dyke who went through a bisexual “phase” (for fuck’s sakes…). Being poly but scared to death to actually date more than one person at a time. Of reacting to sex/sexual situation/sexuality in ways that are very much like those of childhood sexual assault survivors even though that didn’t happen to me (I feel like I’m trying to gain some sort of Club Entry or something and, simultaneously, like my telling people that That Didn’t Happen to Me is going to land me in the “She’s in Denial” category in some people’s heads, or something). I’m ashamed of being SO afraid ALL the fucking time.

What do you regret not doing, sexually? (As in, what situation would you go back to and re-do if you could?)

Uhm. This is a tricky one. I mean, I regret not having much stronger defenses for my boundaries, I regret not breaking various fingers of random guys who’d had no invitation to touch me what-so-fucking-ever and KNEW it and grabbed at me anyway. I regret not kicking my husband out back when he was still my fiancé. I regret trusting people I shouldn’t have trusted in the hopes that they’d prove me wrong. But that’s not what this question is asking.
I regret… losing Sophie’s phone number, even though I know she’d have been a dreadful partner for me and rebound relationships are not my friend (or they turn into something that is rather more than a rebound situation).
I regret not playing that ridiculous game at my friend’s party, years ago, because I didn’t want my crush to know how sexual I was under my mostly calm, cool exterior. (Of all the totally bizarre things to want to hide from your crush, I realize…)
I regret (at least in one way) saying ‘no’ to some of the stuff my girlfriend wanted to try with me, even though at the time I was saying ‘no’ because I didn’t feel comfortable trying them and, if I’d said ‘yes’ despite that, I think it would have just been very damaging for all of us.

What are your hard limits when it comes to sex? From there, what’s the closest thing to a hard limit that you’ve got where there’s still a teensy bit of wiggle room?

Bondage (as in: with me in it). I don’t enjoy bondage with other people in it – it seems kind of stupid and beside the point to me, really. What the hell am I supposed to do with someone when they’re tied up and defenseless? I’d much rather be sexual with someone who was actually involved in the proceedings instead of just hanging there while I did all the work. But being tied up myself is also a scary thing that… I’m kind of curious about having done it in a shoot, but which is still very much a “Can I *really* trust you?” kind of a thing.

What would your perfect sexual partner be like?

Wow. I’m really uncomfortable even thinking about this. Fancy that.

Uhm… Someone who loves me. Someone I love. Someone who I know I can trust *for real* rather than just because they say so or because I’ve signed something that says I officially do, whether it’s true or not. Someone who cherishes me and wants me to enjoy the experience and is actively taking steps to ensure that I do. Someone who trusts *me* and is willing to answer my questions (e.g.: What do you like? What would you like right now? What would you like with *me*?) honestly and as fully as she can. And, yeah, “she”, the astonishingly vast majority of the time. Someone who asks me those kinds of questions and is patient with me when they make me squirm and get self-conscious. Someone whose kinks, turn-ons, and proclivities overlap fairly heavily with mine. Call it a good 70%, let’s say, just to pick a fairly random number that feels about right. Someone who is roughly as sensual as I am, who knows that “sexual partner” doesn’t have to mean “someone with-whom I bang genitals regularly”. Someone who knows, and *likes*, that there’s more to it than that. Someone I find attractive who is, likewise, attracted to me.
Not sure what else to add to that but, hey, there you go. It’s a start.

What book has most influenced the way you feel about sex?

Oh, gosh… Clan of the Cave Bear (the first one, NOT “The Valley of Horses”) didn’t so much influence how I feel about sex as confirm it. (Yeah. I don’t know where I got the “all men are rapists” trope, but it happened *long* before ninth grade, I do know that much…) That said… Carol Queen’s Real Live Nude Girl was a big one for showing me what I *do* want in terms of how I relate to sex and to other people sexually. So that one and, probably, Camilleri’ and Brushwood Rose’ Brazen Femme, which gave me a word for myself and showed me not only what empowered feminine sexuality can look like, but that it exists at all. (Kat Payne’s essay, mentioned elsewhere in this post, is in that book). It’s kind of a big deal.

What film scene (that did not appear in a porn film) has aroused you most?

Certain parts of Bound (like when she fixed the faucet, oddly enough), the dressing scene in The Last Samurai (guh), that part at the end of Dogma where Ben Afflect has Bethany by the throat (always felt terrible about that, being turned on by the sexualization of violence against women… and then I found out I was kinky, and things made a lot more sense).

If you were to write up a sex CV, what would your three most recent jobs be?

Sexual Assault Survivor’s Support Person. Fetish Model (maybe?). Professional Submissive with Extremely Low Job Satisfaction.

What would you love to do, sexually, that you never expect you will actually experience? Why? And why not?

Needle play. Because it’s Beautiful! You get to be so artistic with the designs and just make pretty pictures on someone’s body, and then you get to roll point things over the raised bits of skin and get these *incredible* reactions! And then you get to play with blood and, ideally (as in: you know both you and your willing victim have very, very, very safe blood) you get to lick it up! However (A) I hate the club scene, (B) I don’t have any experience doing this even a little bit, and (C) I can’t think of anyone stupid enough to let someone with no experience stick them with needles for half an hour – or even a couple of minutes – particularly unsupervised. So I’m not actually expecting to get to do that one any time soon, if at all. Alas.

If you were entitled to someone’s service for one full week, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and all that person wanted to do was please you in any way you wished, what would you have them do, sexually or otherwise?

Oh, gods… I don’t trust this one. I’m still more than slightly convinced that anyone who offers me that kind of service is actually saying “I’ll do your chores for you if you give me the kind of sex *I* want in return”. In my head, these people are *always* skeezy guys who are 100% unappealing and who wouldn’t do a good job at my chores anyway.
If this unicorn actually happened to exist, though, I would want a butler.
Someone who took pride and pleasure in being totally invisible, who would basically be my House Elf and make sure my very nice tea cup was always filled with tea or coffee (depending on the day, I guess, though zi’d have to ask what I wanted at some point, zi’s presumably not a mind-reader), just the way I like it (half-and-half with two-or-three tsp sugar for tea, half-and-half with 1-2 tbsp sugar for coffee), someone to do my dishes, to do a lot of my cooking, to keep the house tidy, to do my laundry, to tidy the halls, to do the groceries, to take my messages (I know, I know, I have a machine for that, but still. It would be nice if *I* didn’t have to be the one frantically trying to write down what the twit on the other end of the phone just said). Stuff like that.
Part of me is tempted to do what Hyel did and get them to work a really high-paying week-long job and give all of their earning to me. Except that I *know* what kind of jobs you can get on short notice that are very high-paying. And I have very significant Issues with being someone’s pimp. Seriously. Even for a week. :-\ I don’t wanna go there.

What kind of music do you find the most likely to get you in the mood?

Sultry blues, tango music, stringed instruments with really intense melodies (a lot of Loreena McKennitt’s stuff would actually fit this bill, believe it or not), stuff with a good beat. That REVS 22:20 song by Puscifer that is basically sex with lyrics. That sort of thing.

What do you want to learn, sexually, that you haven’t had the chance to learn yet?

Trust, courage, and confidence. And how to do blood-and-needle-and-knife-play safely and competently. Also: Good intuition.

In a sexual situation, what act(s) would someone have to do in order to make you say “no” and immediately leave the room?

Which is another area I have some trouble with. If I’m in a sexual situation with someone, I’m either fairly certain they’re not going to do something that would make me want to leave, OR I’m in a situation where leaving isn’t something I see as an option.
Which means I’m either in a situation where, if I say ‘no’, I won’t have to immediately leave the room (probably) and we can talk about why I’m saying ‘no’ and all the rest of it, OR I’m in a situation I already don’t want to be in and don’t see a safe (or long-term safe) way out of it, and so am not all that likely to actually say ‘no’ in the first place.
Unless “sexual situation” isn’t somebody’s bed. If I’m in a sexual space, like a kink club… things probably aren’t dangerous enough for me to have to leave or else I’m uncomfortable enough in the space that I probably barely made it in the door before leaving again. Or, possibly, I’m stuck there because I can’t go home and sleep until my friend/partner/ride has finished having fun. This is why I avoid kink clubs by and large.
But, of course, this doesn’t actually answer the question. And I think the answer is bound up in all the stuff I already said. If I *know* I’m safe and cared for, my partners probably won’t try anything they can infer is far enough outside of my comfort zones to actually make me get up and leave and, if they try something that they think I’d be fine with and it turns out I’m not, I know that I’m safe and cared for and so I know that I don’t have to *run away* in order to be safe, I can just talk it out with them and cuddle and get to a point where the safe is emphatic and complete again. Whereas if I’m in a situation where I don’t know that I’m safe, it’s quite possible my partner will try something outside of my comfort zones without knowing it (‘cause why would I share anything as deep as my Vulnerable Spots with someone I don’t fee l safe around?), and if that happened – if my partner did something that took me from vaguely unsure of my safety (AKA: default setting) to Absolutely Positive that I’m in Danger – I would freeze up and not be *able* to speak or run because, when that stuff happens? I’m like a rabbit. I freeze. So the combination of “say no” and “leave immediately” doesn’t actually happen with me. I either say ‘no’ and we talk about it, or I leave before I’m in a situation where saying ‘no’ would be necessary. Or I just don’t say ‘no’ and I just get through whatever it is until it’s done.
Creepy.
Anyway.

List three things that would feel nice on your feet.

Okay, this is MUCH easier.
Competent, gentle, firm hands. Adoring, talented mouths. Cocoabutter and other decadent oils, possibly involving peppermint extract, but not necessarily.

What stereotypes, if any, are actually true about you?

1) Women are crazy
2) Bisexuals are sluts who can’t be happy with just one partner
3) Bisexuals are really big ol’ gays who are just going through a “phase” (maybe?)
4) Poly people are emotionally/psychologically fucked up and Really Needy
5) Women only want Twu Wuv, can’t handle sex without it, and will have sex in order to get it
6) There are probably others – possibly including something along the lines of: “pansexual” is a euphemism for “tranny chaser”. Great. :-\

Where do you go when you want to feel safe?

Under my blankets, with the heat turned up high. Ideally also into the arms of my girlfriend, though I don’t have the opportunity for that one much.

What five activities are reliable sources of pleasure for you, sexual or otherwise?

Eating ice-cream, especially in an ice-cream cone(!)
Snuggling with my girlfriend
Talking shop with other writerly chicks
Socializing with my closest friends and yacking about everything
Really fucking amazingly good food

*~*~*~*~*

So there you have it. A broad-spectrum look at my sexual identity (and issues… oh, the issues) thanks to Andrea’s questionnaire.
How would You go about answering those questions?

- TTFN,
- Amazon.