So, the other day I linked to a post on femme (in)visibility and “coming out to oneself”, which discussed the link between gender presentation and (presumed) sexual orientation.
There are a couple of other posts by the same author – here and here – in which she talks about her understanding of Femme and how it is intertwined with what sounds like service-oriented submission and being a nurturer.
Which got me thinking about a couple of things, including some of the conversation that happened at the s/m-planning tea I went to the other night.
See… I’m femme. I was thrilled to death when I found that word, found the definition of Femme as “femininity that is not “for” any external gaze” (among other things, but that was a big, huge, light-bulb-lit-up-over-my-head statement for me) because it told me, confirmed for me, that feminine doesn’t automatically mean “trying to get someone’s attention” it doesn’t automatically mean “sexually available” or “attracted to masculine” or “looking for a fuck” either, although those are all “definitions” that I grew up understanding as being part of femininity (feminine wiles, femmes fatale, and so on).
But. I’m also domme. Which leads me down some very uncomfortable corridors when I hear or read things that blend service-submission with femininity as though they were part of the same whole. Particularly when my domme-streak tends to run closer to Mommy than to Bitch.
Right. So. The other night, I had a chance to talk about that. A gal I know a little bit from around town sent me a note asking if I’d be up for potentially having a play-date with her. So we emailed back and forth for a bit and, the other night, we met in person to talk about things further and to get to know each other a little bit.
It was a lovely evening. We’ve got enough kinks in common on the s/m spectrum that I think we’ll have a good time together when the play-date we scheduled eventually rolls around.
The lady in question is, in addition to being a masochist, also a service-submissive – though not with me – and we actually had a really fascinating discussion of what “care-taker” translates into, in terms of actions, when its acted on from a sub vs domme perspective.
I talked about how my “care-taker-ness” manifests as Lady of the Manor, hostess with the mostess, that sort of thing. That I’m on cloud nine when everything is running smoothly, every guest taken-care-of, and all of my charges are safe and happy in my care. How I *love* being able to lavish attention on appreciative recipients, play sugar-mama, and give my darlings all their favourite things.
I also talked about how I HATE feeling subservient, how I get angry, resentful, stressed and depressed when I’m stuck feeling like I have to curry someone’s favour or jump to someone else’s task. It feels terrible.
So I hear someone talking about Femme, and their ultimate Femme Fantasy including things like letting her partner decide what they eat, what they do, what she wears, and doing the cleaning and the laundry and the dishes for her Lady and… I have this visceral, miserable reaction. A reaction that feels a lot like the feeling I get when reading something like Ariel Levy’s Female Chauvinist Pigs or anything else that equates “feminine gender presentation” with “too brainwashed to realize that she shouldn’t want to look Like That because looking Like That is just voluntarily supporting/titillating her oppressors”. As if it couldn’t be anything else.
I feel like someone is telling me that I don’t have the right to self-define.
Like if feminine = passive/submissive/status-quo-supporting, them am I unfeminine? Despite the skirts, the shoes, the five different shades of purple eye-shadow, the long, long hair down to my waist?
Femme, for me, is inextricably linked with domme. It’s the feeling of authority and confidence I get when I strut down the street in four-inch heels and a really fabulous dress. It’s the way my hips take on extra sway when I tell myself to walk like I own the world.
It’s even the way my dominatrix side tends towards Mommy and Teacher, the kind of character who wants to reward her Good Girls with the pain they crave instead of torturing faux-unwilling victims or putting brats in their place. Femme Domme, for me, is being the Queen of Pentacles, so overflowing with abundance and certainty, loving authority and earthy womanliness that her slaves would eat out of her hands and love it, her pets would be collared in jewels, and beauty would flower around her.
I guess that must be *my* Femme Fantasy. To be utterly feminine and unquestionably powerful at once. I think that’s what Femme is about.
Recommended Reading:
Brazen Femme (Edited by Chloë Brushwood Rose and Anna Camilleri, Published by Arsenal Pulp Press)
Whipping Girl (Written by Julia Serano, Published by Seal Press)
AND
From Sugar Butch:
On Femme Invisibility and Further Thoughts on Privilege and Gender
Loading ...
Hiya! Saw that you linked over to me, and so I thought I’d comment.
I both completely relate to what you write here, and don’t relate at all. Let me explain.
I relate completely to what you say here, that your femme fantasy is:
“To be utterly feminine and unquestionably powerful at once.”
Yes. Yes, yes and yes again. I would say that is *also* my femme fantasy, and that’s what I was trying to get across in my later of the two posts you link to, and I’ll explain that more in a minute.
What I *don’t* relate to is the way in which you specifically characterize “powerful.” For you, it seems you relate powerful to domme as well as femme (as you say, the two are inextricably linked). I don’t. I’m definitely *not* a domme. So for me, being powerful has nothing to do with being domme.
So to get back to what I was saying about the femme fantasy — my femme fantasy is *very much* to be “utterly feminine and unquestionably powerful.” It’s just that I *get my power* from being submissive. In fact, as I tried to explain in my two posts on the subject, fighting my impulse to be submissive is what has left me feeling unempowered. And not just unempowered, but also: bitter, depressed, stuck, resentful, and just… not quite right. But, of course I don’t think that my definition of femme is the same as everyone else’s, and nor do I think that femme and submission are the same thing or mutually inclusive. I even added that disclaimed at the bottom of one of those posts. It’s just that it was as I was coming into my identity as Femme that I also started allowing myself to find my power in being more submissive.
It hurts, in a way, to hear you say that reading things that link femininity and submission sickens you. It’s exactly that kind of attitude that had me so scared of allowing myself to be submissive for so long.
My blog pseudonym “alphafemme” (you can read about this on my About page) comes, in fact, from my desire to assert that I AM powerful. I get the same exact feeling you describe from wearing 4-inch heels and moving my hips a particular way when I walk. I’m not meek, passive, uncertain, just waiting for someone to make my decisions for me. That’s not what submission means to me. On the complete contrary. It was in finally allowing myself to make my own decisions that I finally found my power. It just so happens that the decisions I’m making are more submissive. Cooking my girlfriend’s favorite food makes me feel *powerful.* Making her bed for her makes me feel powerful. Ironing her shirts for her makes me feel powerful. Resisting her in bed so she slaps me makes me feel powerful. Wearing lingerie (…and heels…) that I know makes her drool makes me feel powerful.
So you see? Our femme fantasies aren’t all that different after all.
I only read that author’s first post on femmeness which was more asking for stories than trying to define, and I have to admit alarms went off when the sidebar defined her as “chivalrous”. I’ve always found chivalry disrespectful and slightly creepy – though I realize it can also be just another way to flirt. (So I guess it’s particularly creepy if it’s coming from, say, my boss or someone that I just don’t place in the group of people I would want to/expect to flirt with.) Chivalry assumes its target is NOT powerful, or at least assumes that the person showing chivalry is the stronger of the two.
Re: Chivalry.
I remember I came across a post once upon a time on “Why chivalry must die” which made a lot of sense.
Because, traditionally, it’s totally based on the idea of “Masculine = Strong, Feminine = Weak”. Which is loathsome.
However I think that, when you take it out of the masc/fem “dichotomy” and just turn it into “People being nice to each other in gallant/romanticized ways” it becomes rather charming and delightful. Whether it’s me opening to door for my crush or her opening it for me. Y’know?
Hi
I really enjoyed your article, and it got me thinking about my own Domme/Sub feelings.
Sexually, I consider myself a sub. In roleplaying, and more physical play, I AM a sub. I’m also a femme sub who is attracted to femme Dommes (not exclusively).
But that’s sexually. In my every-day life I am many things you describe as Domme.
I pride myself in my femme ability to be a wonderful hostess. I do have a strong sense of power when I am doing those things I love most and looking after people. I understand that. My fantasy for myself is to be proudly surveying a party (or gathering) I meticulously organised every part of and have it running smoothly and everyone enjoying themselves.
I agree, this is an expression of power.
What I disagree with, is the idea that Femmes who are in some way submissive, are merely supporting status-quo. I think being submissive can be equally as powerful as being Domme. For me it is the way that my submission is not FOR anyone except myself. I CHOSE to be submissive, to seek out sexual partners that fulfil MY fantasy.
You DO talk about this, when you say how thrilled you were with the definition of femme as “femininity that is not “for” any external gaze”, so please don’t assume that just because someone has Sub tendencies that they are feminine, or subservient, for someone else’s sake.
As I said, I get a feeling of power from exactly the same source as you do, and I too love strutting down the street in my “get fucked” heels, not giving a shit what anyone else thinks because damn I’m awesome. It’s just that in addition to that I get the same feeling having my play mummy tell me I’ve been naughty, or by having a beautiful butch tie me up. Being subservient is not relinquishing your own power, it’s a way of finding it.
I know not everyone is a sub (thank goodness) and not every sub feels powerful, but I wanted to show another side of what you’re talking about.
Thank-you for allowing me to be visible.
@Femmarina:
For me it is the way that my submission is not FOR anyone except myself. I CHOSE to be submissive, to seek out sexual partners that fulfill MY fantasy.
Okay, now this I can wrap my head around.
I’ve got a friend who is both a femme and a service sub. She tells me that serving is where she’s happiest, that she loves taking care of people like that.
Being subservient is not relinquishing your own power, it’s a way of finding it.
I would love to hear more about this.
@Amazon
Thank you for asking about the finding of power through submission.
This is something I’ve only recently been able to recognise and articulate. It is also quite complex (at least for me).
Part of it is the fact that when you serve someone, you take their power, their power is “over you” I that they tell you to do something, but the sub has double or triple power. This is the power over the thing that you are serving to the Domme, you do something to change the physical environment, so you have power over objects outside yourself. You have the Domme’s power, as once you do what you’re asked, in not resisting you are appropriating that power into your own body, and you have your own power, which animates the other two powers. The Domme only has power over YOU, they cannot do for themselves and they cannot manipulate the physical environment. The Domme does not lose power, but as the sub serves, the Domme’s power becomes the sub’s.
That is ONE aspect.
There is also power in the self control that comes with being subservient, be it controlling your winces as a whip bites into you, or forcing yourself to vacuum when all you want to do is have a gin and tonic, but you know your lover is going to be home soon.
There’s also the “Story of O” power, the power that comes from the secret knowledge that you ARE sub, that under your skirt are countless bruises, the power in knowing something no one else knows. O wears her marks and piercing with pride, and this gives her power.
It is both more and less complex than all of this.
It’s more complex because there are many personal issues that come into it, like, for me, my history of negatively abusive relationships. Also, everyone Has different ideas about it.
It’s less complex in that when you’re experiencing it, you don’t think about any of that, you just feel it
I’d love to chat to you more about this, you can find me at
http://www.facebook.com/zapparina
just introduce yourself.